Thanksgiving Update

Wow, it has been a long while since I've shown myself here. I must admit I've given thought to deleting the blog because most of it seems so out of touch with where I am these days.

Single Sex at Sixty? Not happening unless I pay for it. Partly because I simply grew weary of playing the dating game and finding again and again that either I have no skills at making my physical desires known (quite likely) or the world is filled with women in my age group who either have no interest in sex or, at least, no interest in sex with me. Both situations tend to put me in the friend zone from which my life experience tells me there is NO ESCAPE!.

And my health hasn't been all that good recently. Lots of nagging things are catching up with me.

But not all is bad news. I have marked a big item from my bucket list...threesome. I hooked up with a couple of nice young (well, in their mid 30s young...young to me) women twice now. It has lived up to my hopes and is something I certainly plan to repeat as much as I can. I guess without getting into the splendid details, I'd just say the gals were loads of fun to be with and the potential for extended pleasure remains high.

Cold Saturday Morning Update

It is a cold cold day in the NE today...and I have a day's worth of chores ahead.

So I am waiting for my iPad to get charged before I head out for laundry and other mundane tasks.

Not too much new to report since my last rather downbeat post. I still dabble at OKC, thinking that someday someone will show up there that is new and exciting. But after being there for nearly five (or is it six?) years, the faces all begin to blur into one. Each profile evokes questions. Have I written her? Oh yes, I remember my date with her...no magic at all. Oh, she sounded nice but never replied to my email. And so on.

There was a post on Sex Secrets a week or so ago about how important it is for older men to have an active sex life. I wrote a comment and got into a little comment-conversation there. The gist was, if I want a sexual relationship it should be easy to find because most women really do want sex. Funny how poorly that jives with my personal experience. In the past month, I have chosen to end a few dating situations that just did not seem to be heading in a direction that worked for me. That means I am currently completely unattached, with no pending dates.

What I seem to hear over and over is that I am hard to get to know. And when you hear that multiple times it is probably true. Am I closed off in my ability to open myself to others? Could be. I know that I tend to hold back because there are rough spots in my life that I simply choose not to share early in an emerging relationship. Why dwell on negativity? It'll come out when it needs to, but I don't think it is helpful in the first few dates. But I am coming to realize that I may present as a withdrawn man, unwilling to open myself up. And that can be a turnoff for some.

I am told that my profile presents confused image. Is this a man who is afraid of commitment? Is this a man who looks for only one thing? What does this man really want?

All very accurate evaluations of who I am. So I ponder how I resolve these issues. Svetlana at Sex Secrets came to the conclusion that I need to be in a FWB type of relationship. I agree. But I've never been in such a relationship. I don't even know how to get there. My experience suggests, over and over, that I am pretty good at becoming a friend. But I've never had a friend become a lover. Rather most sexual situation have emerged quickly, often on the first or second date. The physical chemistry needs to be there first. Lovers often become friends, never the other way around. But date after date lacks that physical intimacy.

Thoughts on "Being a Distraction"

I've been away for a good while now. Probably lost most of my readers.

A year ago I rode a grand wave. I was discovering a world online that seemed mysterious and exciting to me. It led me to experiment with some interesting aspects of my self and my sexuality. I was truly having fun back then.

I slipped away several months ago. No more Twitter. No more Tumblers. No more daily reading the sex blogs. No more writing my own.

A few of you may wonder why. Without going back and re-reading past posts, I suspect I have already given the reason. Things never really change all that much. I mean, it is hard to change the person you are, even when you know who you are stands between where you are now and where you want to be.

I have discovered, much to my chagrin, that at 60 years old I am as totally clueless about how to get laid as I was at 16. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but not by too much.

Since I last made an entry here I've been in and out of several short term forays with women. Most never got off the ground. That's ok. I don't expect every date to wind up in bed. But NONE of them!?

One woman I dated for more than a month, had multiple dates, even met her Mother, ... things seemed great. I knew we were moving slowly but, I thought, steadily toward some physical closeness. It never happened. Instead, during a phone conversation in which she was begging off of one opportunity or another for getting together she made it clear that from her point of view it was over. Her most damning statement was that I "was a distraction in her life."

Sure, she's a busy woman. And I'm an busy man. But a "distraction?"

I only wish I had been a good distraction. I wish she wanted, as much as I did, to find distraction from the troubles and hard work of our lives in passionate love making. Now that would have been a distraction worth experiencing.

It's been about six months now since my last sexual experience with another person. An afternoon meeting with a local escort.

Since then, many dates. A few short term "relationships." And lots of masturbation.

But I look at myself and realize that I am exactly the person I have been most of my life. I'm a nice guy. I can carry on a an intelligent conversation about many subjects. I'm not a bad looking man. But sex just doesn't seem to be in my future unless I pay for it.

Where things stand now

I've not spent much time thinking about this blog recently. Partly because work has kept me busy. And partly because I am now seeing a couple of different women I met online.

M is finding her way into my life (and me into hers?) in a slow but steady way. I first began exchanging emails with her almost a year ago, but for one reason or another we didn't actually meet until late August. Since then, we've had several dates (well, 6 actually, but who's counting?). She's a year older than me, widowed a few years back. I am definitely attracted to her in the traditional ways: she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's creative. And our times together are filled with the type of conversation and activities that make me want to know more and more about her. But, like I have mentioned in prior posts, she is among that group of 'older' women who are not on the dating scene to find casual sex partners. Sex will come, that I am fairly confident about based on our conversations, but only after we have grown to know one another much better.

So, to date our physical relationship has been distinctly limited. We had our first kiss on our fourth date (yes, you read that correctly) and still have not moved to anything remotely passionate. For those who read this blog you may wonder why. I am a truly patient man. I can sense with M that moving too quickly will be counter productive. That sex with her at this stage would not be the right thing.

She mentioned the Jon Stewart Rally to Restore Sanity to me last week and I returned home that night and, in a state of euphoria stimulated by a bit too much wine and our first kiss, I quickly made hotel reservations for us in DC. Without even asking her if she wanted to go with me. Presumptuous? Yes. Effective? Yes. When I told her what I'd done she actually seemed pleased that I had taken that initiative and on Wednesday night this past week, we formalized a weekend date for that event. Flying down together, and spending the night after the rally. 

I am also dating another woman, F, who is a professor at a local school and prolific book writer. Her approach to sex is much like M's: not about to jump into bed with anyone quickly. F and I have only had a couple of dates so far. She travels a lot (as do I) so seeing her has been difficult to schedule. We do exchange interesting emails however. She write long deeply descriptive messages (no, not sexual). But, because my heart is definitely drawn more to M, I'm not sure this particular situation will develop much farther.

With respect to the theme of this blog, maybe I am learning something important from both of these women. Sex at 60 is not the same as sex at 25. Those of us in the early golden years are simply not part of the hook up culture. That's a fact of life that I must come to embrace. I'm sure there are many women in my age group who may be interested in purely sexual relationships, but they are few and far between...and my experience online and in real life suggests that I am not likely to find them. I did respond to someone a couple of hours away on OKC who made it clear that she was looking for something on the side (and I fit her age desires), with her husband's knowledge and approval. I thought I filled the bill well, but her reply to me was polite but dismissive. No reason suggested, just a simple statement thanking me for my interest and a wish that I would find what I wanted. Somewhere else. Next.

I am making it clear with both M and F that I am not looking for a platonic friendship. That I am definitely interested in moving on to a closer relationship. But also letting both know that I am patient. No specific timetable in mind, but also not wiling to get involved in another multi-year dating situation with no sex. Time will tell.

A Short Update

I have had a couple of interesting dates since my last post. Not sure how either situation will play out. One was a second date with a wonderful artistic woman in a closeby city, with another scheduled for Saturday. The other was with a fascinating college professor at a local university. Her intelligence is a big turn on for me. I see her again next week. Both women are attractive and we seem to be getting along nicely.

But in my usual way, I find that I am not making much progress towards physical intimacy while definitely making connection on other levels. It's all handshakes and smiles now...but I must be who I am and let time take its course.

The Reason

I have calmed down quite a bit since that last post. But I still want to share something of why I chose to pull myself back. If I hadn't been first to end it, she most assuredly would have very soon.

This post touches on the recent flurry of blog posts and tweets concerning what it means to be "sex positive." My regular readers know that this blog has seen some ups and downs. Mostly up in the first few months, mostly down in the more recent posts. You know that I am looking to catch up on many years of very unsatisfactory sexual relationships and about a year ago I found myself wandering into the world of sex bloggers. Here I discovered for the first time the common use of the term "sex positive," which I seemed to instinctively understand. At least so I thought.

To me, being sexually positive means a lot of different things, but at its core it mean accepting all forms of human sexuality without reservation, but doesn't mean that I have to feel those practices are right for me. And I know that in that sense I am most definitely sex positive. So as I began my journey into this world, I encountered a lot of new ideas. Now, it is not that I have been ignorant of most of it, but just that for the most part I have never seen myself as part of it.

What am I talking about? Group sex. Sex parties. Different forms of relationship (polyamory, swinging, D/s, BDSM, etc.). Bi-sexuality. Gang bangs. Public sex. Toys. Sex with random partners. Sex for money. Watersports. And more that I just can't think of right now.

I was surprised to find that it seems a majority of sex blogs are written by women. It shouldn't have been a  surprise, but it was. And, because finding that so many women find pleasure in this variety of sexual activities was so foreign to my upbringing, I continue to this day, nearly a year after becoming a part of this community, to sometimes struggle with how I fit in. I have publicly professed my Bucket List desires for some of these experiences. I still want to fulfill those desires, but I have learned that it takes time to build the relationships that lead to it. And ultimately that is the problem I have always had.

How does this relate to my most recent encounter?  In a few ways.

First, in my barely controlled passion to actually experience the world of sexuality that I have missed out on for so long, I sometimes forget some basic "rules" of how you begin a new relationship. And in some respects while understanding the rules, I find that I never learned how to follow them. In the past, whenever I encountered a "relationship situation" I have tended to shy away or, more likely, to fail in some fundamental way, which leads the potential partner to lose interest. It has happened all my adult life. An example. I have never learned to sweet-talk a woman. OK that's old-school courtship talk...but whether we are talking about a pickup line in a bar or moving a new relationship from the initial dates to the bedroom, I understand the rules of relationship suggest that a man needs to put in some personal effort. To do and say the things that make the woman feel wanted, desired.

And I failed that test in that short online fling. Somehow, I forgot to make that sort of connection with her. And she called me on it. She told me that my messages to her were all very self-centered. At first, I was a little miffed to read that and wanted to say it wasn't true. But it was true. I plead some innocence however because I was simply trying to let her know more about me. But I failed to do that in a way that enticed her to actually want to know about me. Mea Culpa, without question.

Second. Whether or not we would actually work together was always a bit touch and go. Risking revealing who I am talking about, let's just say that she has a strong belief that high match scores on OK Cupid actually means something. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but when I read that on her profile and saw that we had an extremely high match, I took a chance and dove right in. Not really expecting anything. Here's the thing. She is polyamorous, a real positive sign in my quest. She is very much into group sex and swinger events. Another good sign. And she is deeply committed to her BDSM lifestyle with a well known domme and as a switch with at least one sub of her own. Ok, this is where the slippery slope began for me. Am I into BDSM? I'd say curious. Am I into the brand of BDSM I know she practices from reading the posts on the blog she sent me to. Honestly, nope. But instead of simply saying that to her, in my growing excitement that I may have a chance to experience several of the things on my list, I chose to overlook that fairly sizable incompatibility.

Third, and this was where I found my head spinning, she didn't stop with simply pointing out the flaws in my approach. She added the following statement to the mix:

the thing to remember is that "sex-positive" woman [sic] can get as much cock as they want so the guys who can offer something of value to her are going to win out

There were two elements to this statement that got to me. The idea that a sex positive woman can pick and choose the cocks she will enjoy didn't set real well. My readers know the idea of easy sex is foreign to me. The idea that she can have sex whenever she wants it slapped me in the face because I know how untrue that has been in my life. And then the part of offering something of value entered the mix. I asked what she meant and her answer was that her current sub does her housework for her. That's fine, but somehow the statement carried a much darker meaning for me. It raises the concept of competition (I have to "win-out") which I have never been very good at in the relationship world. And there is that whole "something of value" concept. I'm sure that I have much of value to offer, but now it becomes more a question of "who do I want to offer it to?"

And after a great deal of thought, I decided that I had no interest in offering it to her because she simply wouldn't be able to appreciate it.

But I did come away from this with a lesson that is important.  I really need to learn how to do and say those little things that spark interest and then fan the spark so that the flame will grow.

And I promise...next post will not be so damned "self-centered." (Though really, aren't most sex blogs fairly self centered?)

It was indeed too soon

Suffice to say that I saw where the path I tread upon yesterday was leading. It was scary. Very scary.

I am contemplating a post in response to the reason I have chosen to run away as fast as I can from what would without question have been a huge mistake on my part. But I must let it simmer for a day or so.