What are we all looking for?

My return to the world of online dating has not been going too smoothly. Mostly because I am not really putting my heart into it I suppose. Or my time.

A couple of weeks ago a began exchanging emails with a new woman, very close to my age, who had clearly indicated that I was actually at the younger end of her age range (what a pleasant change from the usual). Our emails went nicely and we moved on to telephone interaction. Still sounded good. So this past Saturday I drove down to see her (she lives about an hour away, not too bad a drive at all). We met at a diner and quickly moved on to a quaint village for some window shopping and strolling followed by a nice walk to a lighthouse along the Hudson River.

Out conversations covered the usual topics for our age group, kids, past relationships, online dating experiences, and such. She then invited me to her home to sit and chat. We had wine, talked of books, movies, education, work...all conversation pleasant and positive. After and hour or so, I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her towads me, she turned quickly and kissed me with open mouth. I was honestly a bit surprised. Our conversations to this point had never indicated we were moving towards a first date hook up. And really, I was unprepared and, as it turned out after about 10 minutes of kissing and touching, she too was not inclined to consummate this deal on the first date.

So we retrieved ourselves and moved on to dinner at a nearby restaurant, after which I drove home with happy thoughts. Believing we had taken a wonderful first step on a happy journey. And for the next couple of days we exchanged emails that grew somewhat erotic in content, though not explicitly so. More poetically so...here's an example of one passage I wrote that was well recieved by her:

As I drove up the Thruway last night I drove past one after another fireworks displays in adjacent communities. Those bursts of color in the sky mirrored my thoughts of our time together. I felt fireworks while holding you in my arms. I sensed flashes of excitement as our open mouths pressed against one another. The pounding of blood in my ears as we touched and explored sounded like the loud bangs of exploding shells in the sky. I drifted into reveries of lying naked with you on a vast open field watching the building crescendo of a fireworks display as it moved, unstoppably, towards the finale. We held one another tightly and with each explosion of color and sound, our passion rose. Our fingers roamed across bare skin, exploring, searching, finding those secret spots that only a true lover knows. As the show culminated in a vast array of colorful showers and loud bangs, our bodies came together, joining passionately in response to the rhythm of the explosions above us. The sky, now filled with a vast array of expanding bursts, was reflected in your eyes as you lay beneath me, your legs embracing me as we too moved towards our own private finale.

As the long weekend ended, and she returned home from a visit with a friend in the City, I called her, hoping for a pleasant call . But something happened and I'm not sure what it was. All I can say is that in that conversation we each discovered something about the other that was not so much fun. She said I was sending her mixed messages. I asked what she meant. And then became defensive about my messages...definitely too defensive, even to the point where I know I crossed a line and became unpleasantly argumentative. The entire exchange hinged on this difference of opinion:

She has made it abundantly clear that she is searching for a man to become her life partner, someone to be a whole person in her life. The key being that she is "searching" for this man.

I, on the other hand, have said also quite clearly that I am not searching for the perfect woman in my life but if I happen to find her, that would be super.

She acknowledges that it may take time with a man before she knows if he is the right one. But she is tired of the pain associated with the process and wants to know up front if the man she is with has the same objective as she does. Wow, that seems a fair question on its face. Of course we'd like to know that before we enter the early days of a new relationship. Give me a crystal ball and let's look into the future. But we can't do that. We have to proceed one day at a time, unpeeling the complex layers of our lives and seeing how we fit with one another. This is not an easy process. It takes time.

Here's the difference as I feel it today. I want the process of discovery to be fun and playful. Open-minded. Cognizant that at any time we may uncover something that doesn't work for us. But I want the discovery to be about two people enjoying being with one another and enjoying the journey together. If we get two weeks, two months, or even two years down the road and decide that it is not to be, let's at least have had a good time with one another for the time we were together. But after the conversation on Monday, I don't feel the fun anymore. I feel that every sound that emerges from my lips is being screened for hidden meaning. That I am under microscope where she is studying and probing, looking for something that doesn't fit with her ideal model of a man.

So I find myself wondering if it is the relationship I want to explore. I sure thought it was. And, while our communication has changed since then, it is still there. But the passion is missing. And that's sad.

We have tentative plans to get together again on Sunday, go for a drive together, maybe hike in the mountains, go to Woodstock and reminisce about the 60's...could be fun and ignite the spark that we started with. Or it could just be a car ride filled with tension. So here it is, Thursday, and I'm not at all sure it will happen. Part of me wants to just call her and say it is not going to work. But maybe I'm being too quick to judge.

The next couple of days will tell.