The Reason

I have calmed down quite a bit since that last post. But I still want to share something of why I chose to pull myself back. If I hadn't been first to end it, she most assuredly would have very soon.

This post touches on the recent flurry of blog posts and tweets concerning what it means to be "sex positive." My regular readers know that this blog has seen some ups and downs. Mostly up in the first few months, mostly down in the more recent posts. You know that I am looking to catch up on many years of very unsatisfactory sexual relationships and about a year ago I found myself wandering into the world of sex bloggers. Here I discovered for the first time the common use of the term "sex positive," which I seemed to instinctively understand. At least so I thought.

To me, being sexually positive means a lot of different things, but at its core it mean accepting all forms of human sexuality without reservation, but doesn't mean that I have to feel those practices are right for me. And I know that in that sense I am most definitely sex positive. So as I began my journey into this world, I encountered a lot of new ideas. Now, it is not that I have been ignorant of most of it, but just that for the most part I have never seen myself as part of it.

What am I talking about? Group sex. Sex parties. Different forms of relationship (polyamory, swinging, D/s, BDSM, etc.). Bi-sexuality. Gang bangs. Public sex. Toys. Sex with random partners. Sex for money. Watersports. And more that I just can't think of right now.

I was surprised to find that it seems a majority of sex blogs are written by women. It shouldn't have been a  surprise, but it was. And, because finding that so many women find pleasure in this variety of sexual activities was so foreign to my upbringing, I continue to this day, nearly a year after becoming a part of this community, to sometimes struggle with how I fit in. I have publicly professed my Bucket List desires for some of these experiences. I still want to fulfill those desires, but I have learned that it takes time to build the relationships that lead to it. And ultimately that is the problem I have always had.

How does this relate to my most recent encounter?  In a few ways.

First, in my barely controlled passion to actually experience the world of sexuality that I have missed out on for so long, I sometimes forget some basic "rules" of how you begin a new relationship. And in some respects while understanding the rules, I find that I never learned how to follow them. In the past, whenever I encountered a "relationship situation" I have tended to shy away or, more likely, to fail in some fundamental way, which leads the potential partner to lose interest. It has happened all my adult life. An example. I have never learned to sweet-talk a woman. OK that's old-school courtship talk...but whether we are talking about a pickup line in a bar or moving a new relationship from the initial dates to the bedroom, I understand the rules of relationship suggest that a man needs to put in some personal effort. To do and say the things that make the woman feel wanted, desired.

And I failed that test in that short online fling. Somehow, I forgot to make that sort of connection with her. And she called me on it. She told me that my messages to her were all very self-centered. At first, I was a little miffed to read that and wanted to say it wasn't true. But it was true. I plead some innocence however because I was simply trying to let her know more about me. But I failed to do that in a way that enticed her to actually want to know about me. Mea Culpa, without question.

Second. Whether or not we would actually work together was always a bit touch and go. Risking revealing who I am talking about, let's just say that she has a strong belief that high match scores on OK Cupid actually means something. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but when I read that on her profile and saw that we had an extremely high match, I took a chance and dove right in. Not really expecting anything. Here's the thing. She is polyamorous, a real positive sign in my quest. She is very much into group sex and swinger events. Another good sign. And she is deeply committed to her BDSM lifestyle with a well known domme and as a switch with at least one sub of her own. Ok, this is where the slippery slope began for me. Am I into BDSM? I'd say curious. Am I into the brand of BDSM I know she practices from reading the posts on the blog she sent me to. Honestly, nope. But instead of simply saying that to her, in my growing excitement that I may have a chance to experience several of the things on my list, I chose to overlook that fairly sizable incompatibility.

Third, and this was where I found my head spinning, she didn't stop with simply pointing out the flaws in my approach. She added the following statement to the mix:

the thing to remember is that "sex-positive" woman [sic] can get as much cock as they want so the guys who can offer something of value to her are going to win out

There were two elements to this statement that got to me. The idea that a sex positive woman can pick and choose the cocks she will enjoy didn't set real well. My readers know the idea of easy sex is foreign to me. The idea that she can have sex whenever she wants it slapped me in the face because I know how untrue that has been in my life. And then the part of offering something of value entered the mix. I asked what she meant and her answer was that her current sub does her housework for her. That's fine, but somehow the statement carried a much darker meaning for me. It raises the concept of competition (I have to "win-out") which I have never been very good at in the relationship world. And there is that whole "something of value" concept. I'm sure that I have much of value to offer, but now it becomes more a question of "who do I want to offer it to?"

And after a great deal of thought, I decided that I had no interest in offering it to her because she simply wouldn't be able to appreciate it.

But I did come away from this with a lesson that is important.  I really need to learn how to do and say those little things that spark interest and then fan the spark so that the flame will grow.

And I promise...next post will not be so damned "self-centered." (Though really, aren't most sex blogs fairly self centered?)